Coffee with a Bereaved Mother

It was Beatriz’s 6th heavenly birthday last Thursday. I have been doing therapy, doing my own yoga practice apart from teaching it. I also joined the leisure centre at the hotel around the corner.

I am not a person who likes going to the gym, but menopause is already knocking at my door, and the history of osteoporosis in the family pushed me into spending more than I intended to. Well, I still remember the impact of Beatriz’s past heavenly birthdays on my mental health. So, it is worth it!

Back home we have an expression that the best part of the party is waiting for it. Although it is not about a happy birthday, we both went through it better than the previous year.

My sister’s birthday is on the day after Beatriz’s. So, we had something to shake it off. And I have been collecting toys for Christmas in Direct Provision (asylum seekers/refugees).

I went toy shopping on the day after Beatriz’s birthday, but I was so happy about supporting MASI (Movement of Asylum Seekers in Ireland). And I was delighted with the generous donations! Thank you all!

On a bright winter Sunday, I dropped the toys at a friend’s place and decided to go for my chai latte while I prepare my yoga classes and workshop for the coming week.

Everything was going well. The ladies at the cafe are always lovely and I was happy to have some time outside of the house.

There were two ladies ordering ahead of me, one of them had a yoga mat. I kind of laughed with myself as I always wonder where and what type of yoga the person is into! Yoga teacher vibes! lol
I sat on the only vacant table beside them. Then I realised that I had left my earphones in my massage bag. But that would be ok, because I love the cafe’s playlist anyway.

As I made myself comfortable – took my notes, book, pencil, etc. (Yes, I’m an old style), I noticed them whispering. I usually do not overhear people’s conversations when I am in this cafe, because people don’t usually try to whisper.

Maybe I’m more inclined to be curious when people are whispering? I guess I like the challenge of hearing secrets!

Then suddenly I heard – Congratulations, I’m so happy for you! And then my bereaved mother inner voice went on…

Really Jane that you’re here right now? You could have been doing so many other things! Oh no, they’ll be talking about weeks, baby’s development, names, and doctors/hospitals.

Hospital chat is still the worst for me!
My inner voice tries to calm myself down: that’s ok Jane, listen to the lovely music and prepare your class for your lovely people.
Bereaved Mother’s voice: but they’re talking about the hospital that she’s going to give birth now. Let me hear… Oh no, it’s the same that I nearly died. Should I try to talk to her?
Inner voice: She’s a white Irish Jane! She’ll be fine
Bereaved Mother’s voice: look at her face now, but very discreetly. Now! She’s praising the doctor. And it’s bringing back memories…
Inner voice: Breath in through your nostrils and exhale slowly over your mouth. Just like you tell the lovely people who come into your classes. Don’t let your breathing becomes shallow!!!
Bereaved Mother’s voice: they’re talking about birth plans. I need to switch off my doula’s inner voice NOW!!! Jane you can’t add a third person to this internal conversation!!!
Inner voice: maybe you should finish your chai latte and go home? Or for a walk, so you don’t bring sadness home.
Bereaved Mother’s voice: you shouldn’t get home sad, as you don’t want to bring it to your husband!
Inner voice: can you try to prepare your class, please? This is what you came here for after all Jane!!!!
Bereaved Mother’s voice: I think my plans have changed. And I can also feel that I may unconsciously tensed my hips just now…
Inner voice: look, there are more people coming in. Maybe you should leave. Or maybe they will first?
Bereaved Mother’s voice: as much as I wanted to stay, I think my concentration and time are gone!
Inner voice & Bereaved Mother’s voice: Yes, agreed! You’ve been writing this piece on your phone since you got in! Forget about those plans. And make other plans to relax before the triggers get worse!
Go home, lie down on your yoga mat, bring some bolsters and relax with your cats!

Thank you for reading about my reality! Have a lovely bright Sunday!